ooooh baby, baby, it's a wild world

oh man, hahah it's so stuck in my head.

---

MAKE comm + Expanded Screen studio.

I have been working on my final projects for both my comm and studio classes. My final object for MAKE is an interior object that branches off of our previous body objects. My first was a cocoon for the hand (birth, comfort and safety) and the second was a bird which flew out of my hand (freedom, independence). My final piece is going to be a wind chime made of many hand calved wooden seeds and a few oxidized copper bells. I am concentrating on the final stages of life - "returning to the soil"

Over the week, I have tested a number of video projections onto my wall. I layered the same video on top of the other. 

Lots of work to do still.

totes

Just spoke to Sarah for the first time, in what seems to be a billionnn years, on skype ! I haven't seen her face in so long and I miss her always ! She is in Berlin at the moment for a marathon which is tomorrow.
It was so good to talk about past times and all the awesomeness we had living together. She is one of my best friends and it has been 2 and a half years since I've hugged her face and that is just toooooo o o o long. I'm re watching old videos of us and laughing so hard.

moon

always making me happier.

today i bought a new visual diary

it is my new baby.

I have been waiting so long to buy one, but the store I always go to didn't have any in stock. soooOoOooOOo I went next door and bought one. I love it. I was in class holding it in my arms and stroking the cover (cus it felt amazinnng and new) and i looked over and one of my classes was looking at me with such confusion.

I have been feeling stressed lately. It wasn't fully reaslised until I found myself wanting ice cream all. the. time.

I deactivated facebook. I dont like facebook anyway and it feels so nice not to have that. I probably wont be invited to events though... people seem to depend a lot on it... like, "if you're not my friend on facebook... you're not my friend." sort of thing.

I was reading some of Miranda July's blog and there was this project on "Learning to Love You More" and there was one exercise to write goodbyes to things - It was suitably called, "Say Goodbye"

Say goodbye to all the things you need to let go of.

"Sometimes it is hard to say goodbye. It is easier to keep holding on. But in the long run it's usually a good idea to let go... It allows room for new things ... "

I really liked the idea, and will make a list for myself. I can already think of a few goodbyes that are in order.

---

I am thinking of taking photographs of (or drawing the faces of) the strangers I meet. Today I met a Japanese lady on the tram. She was asking me for directions and I didn't know how to tell her that the tram wasn't going to go to her stop because there had been an accident and thus a change of route. Whenever I tried to tell her, she would smile and nod and say "gooood goood." and continue to put her make up on. Luckily for me (and for her) the accident was cleared quickly and the route changed back to normal.

On Friday after class, I met this guy called Lachlan. I was waiting for friend's to text me and I was sitting by the wall and taking photos of the sky. I saw him walk past me and he stopped. I looked up and he asked, "What are youuu doing?" and I said, "... I am taking photos of the sky." he replied with such excitement, "I TAKE PHOTOS OF THE SKY!" and he proceeded to take out his phone and show me some photos that he had taken. All I said was, "that's cool.." He continued to stand there and I thought to myself, "... he's not leaving is he?" so we had a very staggered conversation. He was an... environmental science or .. social science student. I don't remember... He was a pretty nice guy. It was just a bit awkward with comments like when he asked, "What are you doing here?" I replied, " Oh I'm just waiting for a friend." and he replied, "OH!! I thought it was going to be like one of those movies where you say "I'm just waiting for a friend" but really you're not waiting for a friend... and then you ask me to be your friend." and i just replied, "... haha.. noo.. i'm actually waiting for a friend."

and then when he asked me what I studied I said, "Interior design." and he replied, "I thought those glasses suggested you were in design."

ANYWAY

Friday evening at the Gallery exhibition opening. I met Vic's Friend's Friend whose name was Pete. He was a super nice man because he was actually making conversation with me over this immense crowd of people. We were both obviously feeling a little out of place, so it was good to talk to him. I awkwardly drunk my rum the wrong way and had it like.. in my throat and couldn't breathe. I was acting like everything was normal though and he looked at me and asked, "are you ok???" and I said, "i am just dying it is fiiiiine." 

I saw some beautiful tribute art while there.

---

 Skies I have seen

Things I want

Languages I have failed to learn

Places I've been

People I've seen and met

(I am showing one of my high school friend's and her group of Thai friend's around the city. They laughed at me lots because they thought I was cute.)

(setting a tiny amethyst stone)

Things I have made

exchange

I'm laughing my face off right now.

Vanni and I are looking at places for exchange. I was reading out the population of Finland and failed so badly.

So the population is: 5, 387, 000

I read it as:

"5 Million, 3 hundred and eighty seven hundred"

...

I'm really really happy right now

I just had one of the most lovely nights this year getting to know Anouska !

encounter

Today has been such a random day of meeting people. I have never run into so many people ever.

I bumped into Rachel, her friend (i've forgotten her name, whoops), Tara, Steph, Krisi, Emma, Anouska, Frankie and Pandas. What was surprising was that none of the girls in my year had class that day, so it is normally super unlikely for me to ever see them on a Thursday. Jing and I went to eat laksa out in Kensington and on our way out we ran into Pandas and that was super funny, too.

---

My week has been pretty decent. I was unhappier earlier on in the week, I think it was just one of those days where the weather was being crazy (I always blame the weather) That night I spoke to Vanni who I have given the job to remind me to apply for exchange. He made me way happier and I am so glad to have him. Our skype calls are always filled with laugher and I'm glad that hasn't disappeared over the couple of years that we haven't properly seen each other.

I have met up with Jenny's boyfriend's friend (Celene) who is here for just two weeks because her boyfriend is doing a two week course. I have been showing her around the city and getting to know her. It has been a really nice experience just to meet somebody new.

Classes have been quite decent too. I'm liking studio more and more. I like the ideas my tutor has, even though sometimes she confuses me... I feel like it is pushing my way of thinking and expanding it.

--

I have been thinking a lot about the life cycle. I was walking past the blooming tree flowers and I thought how wonderful spring is. It occurred to me that each Spring is different... Well, every season is different. It's the same cycle, but they aren't the same flowers that sprout from the ground or the trees. This case is probably very obvious to most, but I honestly never thought about it before.

-

I have been watching all the Wes Anderson movies. I need to see Moonlrise Kingdom sooooooonnnn

i sent you snail mail

just a few things i should have said

we need to talk

incredibly

unhappy.

i should stop singing sad songs to myself.
i should stop staring at blank things.

reaching a stage where i want to cry all the time.

not even sure why the anxiety is so high.

cant even get off the guitar or the paint brush.

probably means something is bothering my mind.

just want sleep.

maybe i will stand in the shower.

the happiest thing in my room are the flowers.

the poppies are like butterflies in cocoons almost about to hatch. 

i am excited for the colours. they will be a surprise.

my pale purple ones are in the giant glass peanut jar i bought. 

i'm glad i found some way of using that. 

they are so pretty.

life is interesting.

Mountains - Stuff No One Told Me

mhm

hands run over the walls
i like the feel of walls.
the windows are so huge
and sky so blue.
it makes me happy
some sort of euphoria 
but i feel so sad, too.
i feel like a teenager
who has a constant flux of emotions
it's not even that - i just feel them all at the same time.

thinking too much,
not thinking.

i bought myself poppies today
and these flowers that were a pale purple.
whenever i buy flowers, i think of you saying
"it is so like you to buy the dying flowers."
they are beautiful too.

kind-of adoring the slight breeze.
just watching the curtains move in and out
breathing.

not really sure how to make the first move.

going to watch the sunset.

i want to cry (in a good way.. sort-of)

(long text post, sorry)

I was sitting on the tram, heading home, after a long and exhaustingly awkward day and I began thinking about a lot of things which soon lead to me being really angry at myself.

The day started off so happy... I had intern with Vic and the sun was shining. We ate this really nice food in a cafe just down the road from the studio for lunch & while eating I found this book on ancient jewellery and casting techniques. I really really loved looking at it. It reminded me how much I love books about old old cities and languages.

I always like talking to Vic (I think I say this so so often, but it is true) I feel like we talk about really human things - like emotions, growing up and situations. She is so good at telling stories and I adore listening to what she has to say and what she observes - she is a great observer.

I was looking through the cutlery Mark gave me, when Vic pulled out 40$ and put it in my bag and I looked at her and said, "What! What is that for!!!" and she replied, "It's for the stockings I MADE you buy last week!!" (Last week had been a particularly windy day and I had been so silly and worn a skirt without leggings - I regretted this so so much. At lunch, Vic and I went and bought some stockings for me) I told her, "No no no!! TAKE IT BACK I WANTED THEM." and she kept saying, "No! I felt bad all week for making you buy them." and so I left the topic and thought i'd bring it up before I left for Uni. She replied, "I dont want your bloody money !!" haha it was so funny. I will buy her chocolate macaroons for next week.

On the way to class I stopped by the bookstore to buy a new visual diary (I have finally finished my least favourite VD) but they didn't have any. I walked out of the store and unexpectedly ran into some classmates, one of which I've wanted to get to know for always and I just became so shy and so awkward and overwhelmed. I spoke to them for a little while and it was really nice but I felt so silly being such an awkward human.

In class Ross basically spoke to us for under an hour and told us we could go do our own thing. I stayed a bit afterwards so I could talk to him about developing my retreat. I have decided I am very easy to laugh at. I don't mind so much, I find it kind of humorous as well. Ross was just so amused by original design. He kept saying "it'll have to be a house for an athlete with all the ladders and climbing up and down!" and I was just thinking, "wahh it's meant to be for me and I like to climb things!" but I do understand where he is coming from, too. I like talking to Ross, he is really chill but he has a lot of experience and good ideas. I am thankful that he is easy to talk to, and that he does give really good feedback and tells me straight up when he thinks something is -not going to work at all-.

Jimmy and I left class together and while we were walking out of the classroom I looked so exhausted. Dylan said, "Are you on drugs?" and I was like, "meeoooowwwwww ww i'm sleepy I'm going to the labs to do work!" and he's like, "which labs?" and I'm like, "THE METH LABSSSZ"

I wanted to say bye to Mum before she headed back to Canberra (once again). So Jimmy and I walked to Southern Cross and sat with her a while. On the way Jimmy kept saying to me, "Izzy I am nervous!! WHAT DO I SAY!" hahahah so silly and funny - Jimmy and my mum are from the same place in Malaysia.

Later, we met Chi, Simone and Belinda at the tea house and had iced tea. I missed seeing Chi - she'd been on the Bali trip for twooo whole weeks and I missed playing guitar with her and how welcoming & caring she always towards me.

I briefly saw Krisi and Veev in their Crash Course Cinema class. I always feel super awkward running into the class and hugging veev and krisi and then running out. Louis is probably wondering why he can't get rid of me hahah gosh.

The whole day had made me pretty exhausted and I felt so nervous all the time. I felt like I needed to go for a long-ass jog around the city.

Pandas invited me to see a movie at the State Library. We sat on bean bags and the sound of the rain made it a perfect sleeping environment. The documentary was about Francis Bacon's life and work. I found it really fascinating. I knew nothing about him ... So I learnt a lot and that was great. I really liked some of his work.

When the movie finished Andii and I were like rahhhh where are the blankets we want sleeeep ! It got really comfortable in the bean bags. The State Library should have a sleep over movie event, haha.
We went and had soup and talked about a lot of things. I really want to see the burger lollipop they've talked about so much, haha.

We said our goodbyes and I started walking up to Melbourne Central to get the train when my I saw my Tram coming down the street so I ran like a crazy down the street, back past the Pandas and just made the tram.

--

Go places and explore
Find out more about yourself 
and create
- Never stop creating

--

I was thinking about a lot of things on the tram. I was thinking about how talking about exchange makes me so scared and so anxious and I don't know why. I thought maybe it was because of some sort of unintended peer pressure - like if I don't manage to go overseas that I'm not going anywhere with my life or some stupid thing like that. It makes me unhappy thinking about it.

I was thinking about how sometimes I get a bit too caught up, mentally, with other people and what's happening with them, that I lose understanding in where I want to be, what I want to experience and my own choices. Sometimes I feel shit thinking that someone else is doing something I am not, but it doesn't even matter because I don't even want to do what they're doing. I don't understand how I can make myself feel guilty or jealous or not good enough.

I thought about how angry and sad she made me feel when she told me what she did to herself. And I didn't tell her how it made me feel because I know how unstable she is. I don't even like that secret and I want to forget it.

I got home and I felt pretty bad. I plugged my phone into the charger because it had run out of battery. Once it charged and turned on, I opened instagram and to the greatest surprise my classmate (the one who is in none of my classes, but i wish to knowww) had posted a photo of my owl ring and wrote a really lovely thing about it and about me. I felt so joyous.

It still makes me happy and it has been an hour.

I know I'm silly to be so happy about getting to meet new people. I know this might just be one of those things that I always do to myself - when I adore people that I don't really know and then get to know them and not like them. But right now, I will just enjoy the happiness and continue to look forward to actually getting to know her more.

limit

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

- Sylvia Plath

shannon's 21st + the perfect day

Saturday:

I took the bus down to Canberra early saturday morning. Mum and dad had warned me about drunk people who might be "stumbling home early in the morning." and told me to take care. I left the house at 6:30am and found myself cautiously walking through the park while staring at some person moving sneakily behind the row of cars parked on the side of the road. I had thought it was an old lady dressed in black, but it turned out to be a drunk guy who was trying to hide from me. Once I got half way through the park he started swearing at me and I was thinking, "... It's  soooo early in the morning stop being a cray and go to bed already, stupid."

I took the train and then hopped onto the bus that would take me to Canberra. The bus driver happily told me, "You can pick ANNNNYYYY seat on the bus! There aren't going to be many people on this trip." and I was super happy and spread myself out over two seats, pushed the seats back and managed to fall asleep on and off over the whole 9 hours.

Every time I woke up, I would look out the window and see so many beautiful things - fields filled with yellow flowers, changing skies, faint purple bushes, rainbows and deserted houses.

When I arrived sister Harris picked me up and dropped me home. After only 5 minutes of being home, dad had forgotten about the oil that he was heating on the stove (cus he was talking to me) and it burst into flames and then, without really thinking, he put the pan into the sink (he thought it was empty) but the sink was filled with water so all the oil and fire just floated on the surface of the water and the fire was like wWOOOOosshsHHHHhHHhhhh and it grew soooo big. And before I even reached the phone the fire just went out.

... It was an unexpected start to my Canberra visit. It's probably the first time I've seen such a huge indoor fire.. and I am thankful that it went out by itself.

I went to Shannon's 21st party. She had a "Wizard of Oz" theme. I came as the house that squashed the witch (I had little legs coming out of the side of the house I made). It was nice but sometimes a bit awkward to be there. I saw some people from high school that I haven't seen for 3 years. It was actually really lovely to just listen to what they've been up to and just see how they've matured. It was awkward to talk to Shannon's university friends. I am not very good at making conversation.

Sunday:

I spent the next day with Darcy. We went bike riding by the lake. We rode to two different parks and up and down small hills. At one point, we rode up this slope and at the top was a family just sitting on their bikes and I rode past them and said, "oh my god.. I am dying" and they all had a little chuckle at me.

We had lunch at this garden cafe. There were lots of fat birds sitting on trees and looking at the people eat food, hoping to get a bite. They were so cute and fat. I had a slice of carrot cake and a carrot juice..... yummm carrooootssss.

Darcy and I had awkward moments when people thought we were together. The waitress was like, "can you find a table for this couple??" and darcy and I were like ... eeeeeeeeeeeerrrr oh well, hahaha. And then this random guy who was riding his bike in the same direction  was talking to us about his kids and was like," when you guys have kids...." and we both looked at each other and made "not again !! cryy" and  "awkwarddd" faces and laughed again.

We rode our bikes back to our park. Our park has been newly renovated. They added this awesome circle rope swing and I sat on it and IT WAS FUN. I want oneeee. It was like a hammock but cooler. There was a huge sense of nostalgia being back at the park. We'd played there so many years ago, and I still remember some conversations we had there.

sitting on the giant spider

We stayed a long while at the park. It was because I insisted that we played childhood games - The one where you make a stall and sell things that you make out of things you find... And where the nuts that fall from the trees are money.

my awesome stall

I got quite into the game.... I really miss these games. Darcy walked around and found a dandelion and I had to buy it because it was so pretty, hahaha. I sold different coloured crushed leaves, a cherry blossom and other things. I even found a giant leaf that was glorious.

It was so so nice.

Later, we went back to my house and sat on the lawn in a patch of clovers. Darcy found a billion four leaf clovers and I was SO ANGRY cus I couldn't find any until the very end of the search (I found two, whoohoo) he even found a five leaf clover, that bitch.

: (

We sat for a while in the sun. We played guitar, ate strawberries... and also talked to a random lady that just decided to stop and make conversation with us for 10 minutes. My dad asked to us after she had left what the lady wanted and Darcy told my dad, "Izzy attracts a lot of random people." - It is quite true and I am not sure why but I am happy that the majority of them have been rather kind and peaceful. I was scared my dad would get worried about this fact, but he seemed OK with it when he replied, "which one is the random? Izzy or the stranger?"  haha.

Later, Lizbeth and Abbey dropped by briefly. It was so good to see the both and to listen to what has been happening in their lives. I didn't talk much (I had become so sleepy) but it felt like being back in high school (in a good way) I miss having these bright and energetic girls in my life. I love how they laugh so loudly and express their emotions so awesomely, haha. We talked about what we want to do after Uni and our plans for the future... and I feel relieved that they also are not super super sure.

Darcy came over for dinner. Dad cooked some really yum food (xichuan mapo tofu, beef and broccoli, asparagus and chicken and other thingssss) After dinner, he and I played piano, guitar and sung songs from Les Mis.

I had a really really happy Sunday. I would say that it was a perfect day.

sleep sleep sleep

soooo pleased !!

I am so happy to have finished my little flying owl.
ahhh. I am enjoying this feeling while it lasts.

wah wah wah + apples in the shower

(while mum and I are OP shopping)

me - "I think i'll buy this cookie tray so I can make cookies."
mum - "What kind of cookies??"
me - "... Normal cookies?"
mum - "Oh, well I won't be visiting you then."

(after coming home after a long day)

me - "Jinggg want to eat wonton since we are both depressed about the fish shop not being open??"
jing - "Can youuu make it for me to eat?"
me - "Okkk fine. Just pay me half."
jing - "Can I just sleep with you instead of paying ?? I have no money right now."
me - "...................... whaaat hahah pay me later gosh!!"

----

I have gotten into a weird habit (ok it only happened twice) where I have eaten an apple in the shower. It reminded me that I love when I take a cold apple from the fridge and then wash it in really hot water... and then eat it and it is so yum and cold on the inside but the outside is also nice and warm. YUM YUM.

I am feeling slightly better from the sickness. My doctor gave me a bunch of meds to eat and she told me I had to have all of them "even if you're feeling better" so i have four more packets to go.

I was, and still am, feeling slightly down. I think mainly because of the sickness, but also because of just a self-confidence-mind-imploding-not-liking-life- sort-of-thing and also friends telling me things that make me sad and worried about them.

I am not going to bother expanding on my worries on here.

In other news, I am dying from a crush and I had forgotten how hilariously painful they are. whoohoo. Why is this person so awesome. Poor jimmy is the only one who is hearing my woes and rants about the amazingness.

I bought a new (old) book to read and I hope to get lost in it.

I made a new song and actually finished it for once!

& am slowly getting onto my uni projection ideas.

lemon pie

this weekend had just made me want to die.



but i came across a few super rad stop motions that made me quite happy for a little bit:

Coffee Time

Food About You

The Eagleman Stag

Natural Gas

No Noodles

Proteigon

dear sickness (you little shit),

go away.

--

goat

goat's got a red heart
waiting for a new start
climbing up mountain tops
slowly slowly slowly

seek what makes you calm
open hands, reading palms
little goat, be ok
ignore what the animals say
ignore what the animals say

clouded mind, closed eyes
breathing in all the skies
telling friends false lies
goodbye goodbye goodbye

seek what makes you strong
don't feel like you belong
little goat, be ok
ignore what the animals say
ignore what the animals say

watch the moon chase stars
wandering through fast cars
cleansing all of your thoughts
forgetting forgetting forgetting

seek what makes you new
amongst all the things you drew
little goat, be ok
ignore what the animals say
ignore what the animals say