i think im bad at taking care of myself

So my arm has been hurting and I wrapped it up with a bandage and after quite a while I looked down at both my arms and one was a different colour.

: (

I took the bandage off.

It's the same colour now.

Sorry, arm.

incredibox

take a look.


couldn't stop laughing.

till the early am

Last night, Jim and Sim came over. They drew comics till the late night and I made a song about them drawing comics. Once they had finished, we put on coats and headed out into the streets to calm jimmy's hunger. Sadly all the restaurants had just closed the kitchen so we went back home and cooked random food in the kitchen. Afterwards, we sat around my room, covered in blankets, and watched videos of talented people/ embarrassing people / listened to music and talked about a lot of things. Jimmy said how he liked eating fish oil tablets... and I thought it was so gross that he'd pop them in the mouth and consume them. yuuuckkkk. way too fishy.

It was nice and I think something that I've wanted for a long time. Just to talk wayyyy into the early morning. Talk even though we're tired and talk about real things of ourselves and of our thoughts. Encouraging each other to be ourselves and being really free to speak about whatever.

I liked that we talked about "what if you could turn any object into food? what thing would you turn into food??" and all of us said we turn flowers into some light crunchy candy. I said if paper was like sheets of sherbet mmmmmmmm. We talked about how people can easily imagine the combination of some food even though we haven't had it before, for example - worm and ice cream and we went on about this topic for a while trying to come up with really peculiar combinations of food and laughing at some thinking, "actually that wouldn't be that bad!"

I filmed a bit of last night- I think I wanted something to remember it by... Something more than just memory. I filmed both of them individually- while we talked and listened to music - and asked them to give a message to themselves in two years time (when we finish uni). I think it'll be interesting to show them it when the time comes because I am sure they will forget about it. Sim filmed me, too.

We talked even though we were so so sleepy and even when our words turned into mumbles.

I've missed this.

seek

sun & moon

take me to a happier place

I have been in dreams so much the past week. I had hours and hours of sleep and, when I woke, I would still be tired. I wanted to get meds to keep me awake, but I know that this was more of a psychological problem than a physical one. I think my dreams are a place for escape for me when I do not like what is happening in this reality. They have always been a comfort for me, despite the occasional "nightmare" or not-so-plesant dream.

I have been afraid of not meeting high expectations, and that caused me to fall into slumber so easily. A part of me must have thought that if I was asleep I wouldn't have to do it- that sleep would make me feel better about the work. It really didn't. I felt like a part of me wanted to do badly in the presentation and break under this pressure just to say, "See you shouldn't have put me under this stress."
... Then this little flame inside me said, firmly, "No." I do not want fear to ever pause me, especially if it is just fear created by my own mind. I want to present something that makes people interested. I want to do well, and I have always wanted that. By "well", I mean to my own standards and those of the person/people who I chose to mentor me. And most importantly, I want to be happy for myself (and, by nature, that is not a feeling that comes easily for me)

I have been more active the last few days. I have been to Uni and back, carrying with me Projectors, a tripod and camera. Feeling a little bit like a horse, donkey or camel carrying so many things slung over both shoulders. Occupying myself with many things to do has made me feel a little bit better.

I also worked for Vic over Friday night and Saturday and earned myself some money (yay) which is going straight into the bank for my trip to America.

I am patiently waiting for the holidays to arrive. I want my teeth to be pulled out so that in my recovery time (2 - 4 weeks) I can slowly draw water colour stories or just sleep and drink lots of soup.

remember

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place." - Kurt Vonnegut

"Unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. Unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it." - Charles Bukowski

songs of now #somethingsomething

Youth - Daughter
Foxes - Youth
Echo - Youth
Mermaid - Yuna
Passenger - Let Her Go
Us Against The World (cover) - Daniela Andrede
About You - XXYYXX
Evening / Morning - Bombay Bicycle Club

i don't want to tell you.
all you'll ask is, "why?"
and i don't know what to say.

life so far...

make in the morning

I stuck to the walls a large white roll of paper and started to draw. I used pastels and charcoal and the outcome was super scrappy, but when I looked down I saw all the fallen pigment and I liked it much better than what I had drawn.

I mixed up some PVA with water and sprayed all over the pigment. I hope it looks nice when it dries.

I am getting excited about my MAKE. I feel quite happy knowing that I have made myself learn how to use wood and actually learnt to use the big machines that cut and shape wood, too. I actually am proud of myself that I have learnt and loved to create with wood. There is some pure content from it all. I love the copper leaf, too.

alone

I am actually really enjoying the peace given to me by the rain and the empty house. It makes me feel like I'm in a free-zone, where time is still and I can breathe for a little while without worrying that everything is slipping.

---

Just this morning I was thinking how alone I feel in Melbourne. I don't think of it that often, I don't really have to, it's become more of a constant feeling rather than a thought. It's probably my fault, I don't like asking people to hang out because I am so used to people telling me that they're busy that I don't even want to try anymore, so I leave it to other people to make the plans. Maybe I just always ask at the wrong time.

I woke up to a message from Eddie on my tumblr. He always checks up on me every month and every time I see a notification from him I am filled with this happiness and sadness that he is not with me. Sometimes I just want him to be here. He is like my older bear brother who will always be a comfort to me. 

A lot of my family is in Asia at the moment. Mum, Dad and Sister are scattered there. Mum messages me every day showing me food that she's eating and sister always updates her instagram with beautiful photos of Hong Kong. Dad sends me reassuring messages that he's ok and that soon he'll be eating lots like Mum.

It's probably the rain, but I'm feeling so unhappy. uggh humans

I spent too long in the supermarket staring at shampoo and conditioner trying to figure out which one to buy because they all had shitty-ass names (which my mind has already eased because they were so bad) and all did different things. I stared at the  piles and piles of random crap people want in their lives and I just thought how I want things to be more simple than this and how unhappy it makes me polluting the world.

When I left, I saw the sky and it was just before storm. The clouds were so powerful and beautiful. The ones closest to the sunset had their base lit up by the light and they glowed a fluorescent pink. I looked and I loved it.

I am sometimes so frustrated by people who do not make an effort in a friendship. Sometimes I feel like I give a lot more than I get, I just care more or am generally more interested. I really don't want to hurt because of things like this. So I will just need to become stronger and try and find truer souls.

I keep having flash backs to the past. I know I thought a lot back then, too, but it seemed more free.

I had a really nice afternoon with Ariel on Tuesday. We went to Lygon and got ice cream and sat in the park in the sun and just talked and actually relaxed. It was a perfect afternoon doing what I like doing best - talking about each others lives and chilling (and ice cream is also good) . It's probably one of the few moments this year where I have actually felt quite at ease with myself and relaxed with good company.

Abbey's keen on going to NY and Disney World/ Harry Potter World during the first semester of next year. I'll probably miss out on a week or so of uni, but we've been wanting to go together for a long while now. She made a quote for the whole trip and I have enough but I am feeling a slight stress about also possibly going on exchange and how much I will need to save for that. I will be needing to get a job and so hopefully the places that I applied for hire me so I can get some moniez.

I think that I must start now and become more organised with planning future things. 

ahh

darren... criss...

is... amazing.

This glee episode is so emotional.

return to the earth + watch the sky

Yesterday was super heaty. I spent most of my time inside away from the sun. However, after MAKE I decided to walk home because it was just before sunset and my favourite time of the day when the colours of the sky are constantly changing.

I was filled with so much joy the whole way home. I literally walked into a low, leafy, branch cus I was looking at the sky. Ahhhh it was wonderful. I literally didn't think of anything but how beautiful it was for the whole way home.

I have been working on my MAKE project this morning, just doing the things that I can do out of class. I've gotten so excited about finishing it. It is due next week and I am keen on just getting it all done.

I worked with some fake copper leaf this morning and I applied it to a few of the seeds in a rough kind of way (that's how i want it) and I am really really loving the process + outcome.

"Every day I discover more and more beautiful things. It's enough to drive one mad. I have such a desire to do everything, my head is bursting with it." - Claude Monet

zero

I'm really worried. I really want you to get better and I can't do anything, but I will call you and I will talk to you and wish for you to feel happier and for you to recover. I'm sorry I am not there.

so little time

life really is too short.