alone

I am actually really enjoying the peace given to me by the rain and the empty house. It makes me feel like I'm in a free-zone, where time is still and I can breathe for a little while without worrying that everything is slipping.

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Just this morning I was thinking how alone I feel in Melbourne. I don't think of it that often, I don't really have to, it's become more of a constant feeling rather than a thought. It's probably my fault, I don't like asking people to hang out because I am so used to people telling me that they're busy that I don't even want to try anymore, so I leave it to other people to make the plans. Maybe I just always ask at the wrong time.

I woke up to a message from Eddie on my tumblr. He always checks up on me every month and every time I see a notification from him I am filled with this happiness and sadness that he is not with me. Sometimes I just want him to be here. He is like my older bear brother who will always be a comfort to me. 

A lot of my family is in Asia at the moment. Mum, Dad and Sister are scattered there. Mum messages me every day showing me food that she's eating and sister always updates her instagram with beautiful photos of Hong Kong. Dad sends me reassuring messages that he's ok and that soon he'll be eating lots like Mum.

It's probably the rain, but I'm feeling so unhappy. uggh humans

I spent too long in the supermarket staring at shampoo and conditioner trying to figure out which one to buy because they all had shitty-ass names (which my mind has already eased because they were so bad) and all did different things. I stared at the  piles and piles of random crap people want in their lives and I just thought how I want things to be more simple than this and how unhappy it makes me polluting the world.

When I left, I saw the sky and it was just before storm. The clouds were so powerful and beautiful. The ones closest to the sunset had their base lit up by the light and they glowed a fluorescent pink. I looked and I loved it.

I am sometimes so frustrated by people who do not make an effort in a friendship. Sometimes I feel like I give a lot more than I get, I just care more or am generally more interested. I really don't want to hurt because of things like this. So I will just need to become stronger and try and find truer souls.

I keep having flash backs to the past. I know I thought a lot back then, too, but it seemed more free.

I had a really nice afternoon with Ariel on Tuesday. We went to Lygon and got ice cream and sat in the park in the sun and just talked and actually relaxed. It was a perfect afternoon doing what I like doing best - talking about each others lives and chilling (and ice cream is also good) . It's probably one of the few moments this year where I have actually felt quite at ease with myself and relaxed with good company.

Abbey's keen on going to NY and Disney World/ Harry Potter World during the first semester of next year. I'll probably miss out on a week or so of uni, but we've been wanting to go together for a long while now. She made a quote for the whole trip and I have enough but I am feeling a slight stress about also possibly going on exchange and how much I will need to save for that. I will be needing to get a job and so hopefully the places that I applied for hire me so I can get some moniez.

I think that I must start now and become more organised with planning future things.