a note to you from the past

Hahaha. I am laughing so much right now. I went on skype and Vanni had sent me this message a couple of days ago starting with exactly, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCKS OMG NO FUCKING WAY THIS IS TOO CRAZY. I hate you and love you at the same time right now but I have to say you are pretty awesome."

Hahaha. He went on to say that he had picked up a little notebook from his guitar case (the one since he had in Taipei) and on one of the back of one of the pages I had written in red,

"Hi vanni.
I'm being sneaky >.>
you miss meee.
xo"

HAHAHAHAHA. I am sometimes hilarious. I wrote that 3 or 4 years ago and he just found it now.

He said he was looking for paper and started writing on the other side and he turned the page and wrote on half of it when he noticed that there was someone else's writing on it. He wondered who could have written it and knew it would only be me hahaha.

I told him how I liked that didn't write "I miss you" and that instead I wrote, "You miss me" and he was like "When I read that I was like ARGHHH I DO." hahaha

A very nice surprise : )

i laugh

Jing burnt one of my saucepans. When I came home she came running to me with her hands together in a "FORGIVE ME PLEASEEEE" sort of way. I feel like I have gotten used to my things breaking or being melted... and I don't know what to say other than, "... just be more careful next time please." It was kind of hilarious, I wasn't mad I was just thinking, "againnnnnnnnnnnn." and Jing was bowing up and down to me saying "ahhhh i am sorry i wasn't looking i was on the phone." sighhhhhh.

--

I went for a walk this afternoon. I went to a park that I always go by, but never actually walked into. I got so excited walking in the sun. There were so many fields of grass and the clouds were very wispy.

I sat down by myself on some grass to soak up the sun and then this little italian greyhound ran up to me licked my face and then ran away and this guy came and sat by me and just started talking about how nice the park was.

Random people always come and talk to me. I like it, I do, I just don't know why it happens so frequently! I am always half happy and half worried that they are a killer or a crazy human.

It was a nice talk though. He was saying how he bought the dog for his daughter and also to encourage him to walk every day. He told me that he had had a motorcycle accident almost two years ago where he hit a truck head on at 140km/hr and he broke his neck, arm and a leg.

The little dog was cute but did not know how to stop running. He kept running really far away, turning around and then bolting at me and then only stopping when ran into me. It was pretty funny.

I think these are one of my favourite things in life. Just meeting nice strangers randomly and actually have a decent conversation.

---

I was talking to Vanni the other night on Skype. We reminisced about Taiwan food. I laughed so hard when he told me, "I literally have dreams about it and wake up so sad." hahaha. God it was good.

---

I'm watching "The Cat Returns" and I just found out that guy who does the voice of Barren is Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride. Hahaha.

---

I have been singing more the last few days. It's great cus I feel my voice getting stronger, especially after not singing during the time of sickness last month.

I was looking up acoustic covers of "where it the love" cus every time I sing it slow I get bored.

I found this cover and I couldn't stop laughing. Not that the singers are bad, but because they made it so so happy and I kind of like it, but it sounds like Elvis is singing the Black Eyed Peas... and the guy starts just talking the lyrics at one point.
It just made me feel happy. Haha I don't know why.

Where is the love- Youtube cover

Songs that I have been listening to lately:

Maybe You Are - Asaf Avidan & The Mojos
Generator First Floors - Freelance Whales
Brother - Matt Corby
Cap Diamant - Coeur de Pirate

I spent breakfast with Dylan yesterday morning. Elise was meant to come too, but must have forgotten. We went to this place in South Melbourne and just talked about happy things, university and exchange. We also talked about how we read words/names. I told him I actually didn't know how to pronounce his last name, I just was familiar with the shape of it. I find that when I read books I hardly ever know the protagonist's name. Sometimes I read it wrong the whole way, but it's just because I familiarize myself shape of the name rather than sound out the letters. 

Afterwards, I went to ACMI and saw a free exhibition "The Character - Candice Breitz". The exhibition was long, and if I was to watch each video the whole way through it would have taken at least half a day I'm sure. However, I did find what I watched very interesting. There were a number of interviews taken with twins who were asked to wear the same clothes. They were interviewed separately but in the same place as the other twin. They all talked about their lives growing up. Everyone had this very specific thing/moment/person that really impacted their life or kind of controlled their behaviour. There were these Korean twins who lived in Canada and they said while they were growing up, that they would bring friends over to the house and feel so ashamed of how the home smelt (because of the Korean food) that sometimes, beforehand, they would clean the house and take away anything that looked Asian. Later in the interview, they explained their reason for feeling ashamed of their background. 

Another set of twins were talking about how their father was really abusive and that their brother was crazy. They had lots of fights in the house hold. They were even really visually describing one time where their older brother was fighting with the father outside and had taken down some barbed wire (that they had on their fence) and started scraping the father's head with it. It was so interesting though, just to watch the guys talk about these experiences and then laugh about it afterwards saying, "we were scared shitless at the time, but now we think it is pretty funny."

The other set of twins were these two queer girls who moved to America and were really close but had decided, together, that they should have certain things that only one of them would like/do/wear. They started setting boundaries - mainly about what clothes they could borrow off of each other and what piercings they could get. They also talked about how, because they were twins, people naturally tried to find differences in both of them. As they were growing up, friends would ask "who is the smarter one" or who is the "prettier one" and probably did this just to make it easier on themselves to differentiate between the two, but didn't realise that doing so would actually impact the twins and how they perceived themselves - and it did.

Anyway. I was there for quite a while. 

--

I spent the night at Sarah's with Pandas and sarah's friend making dumplings. I really enjoyed chilling and chopping things up and realising that I have been wasting a lot of spring onion my whole life because I only eat part of it and not all of it like everyone else does.

We talked till almost midnight. I think I stopped talking like quite early cus after food I got tired, but I always like listening to people's stories and most of it was pretty funny. Like Sarah in the womb position.

The talks made me reflect myself a lot.

I walked home. I really love the empty streets, but since Canberra I find myself pretty anxious at night time. As much as I love it. I called Darcy about half way home (sorry for waking you up if you read this hahaha >:) ) and I felt better and safer.

--

I spent the morning painting in bed. Being sad after I realised that this thing I have been drawing for a while now kind of looks like no face. I watched Spirited Away this morning.

The guy who lives below me has been singing songs from the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" and I wonder if this guy performs in musicals or whether he just sings musical songs...

I was thinking about the things I want to do/make this summer. A part of me was excited and the other was scared at the thoughts. I think that this is how I know whether something is worth pursuing or not. The things that are scary and exciting are probably the best, as it is quite balanced and they feed off of each other.

new old bike

The other day, Ariel helped me fix my bike. When I rode it home, I went by the botanical gardens and feeling such joy, moving so quickly past people.

We rode to the Panda house and sat in their backyard drinking tea, talking about their trip to Japan, cameras and also mermaid dress up ideas.

They thoughtfully gifted me the little soot creatures from Totoro in a paper blow-up form. I have them hanging over my bed now. So cute ^_^

thought i'd let you know

"This is the first day of my life" - Bright Eyes

I love this song and video.

all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn't exist

A few web comics came up onto my tumblr and I'm going to share them with you ~

"I Think I Am In Friend-Love With You" - Yumi Sakugawa

&

"25 Lives" - Tongari

sleepy lion

I wrote a long post yesterday.. I haven't posted it yet cus it's not finished. 

Jing's parents are staying with us for just over a week. We went out to dinner last night (spicy fish, yum yum) and it was good. I felt so embarrassed at some points because I didn't know what they were saying to me. They normally speak Cantonese to each other and I can't speak Cantonese or understand it. But they can speak a little bit of Mandarin so whenever they spoke to me they'd speak to me in Mandarin. 

We went to the supermarket after dinner and they were looking for a milk powder and I showed them a few and they kept saying "liu lai" and I was telling them that I didn't know what liu lai was and then I realised they were saying niu nai but with possibly a Cantonese accent and that means milk. 

Last night Jing and her mum were having maybe an argument and speaking sooo loudly across the house. Family. Good times. 

I painted myself a sleepy lion sleeping T.

sometimes this is how I feel.

for now

teethies

I cleaned my teeth. It was weird because they weren't in my mouth haha.
It's so odd to look at them closely. My surgeon broke apart one tooth to get it out of my jaw. When I look at the other teeth, I can see marks/scratches where he must have cut or pulled. Mum showed me this afternoon, a little container I had as a kid. It's a tiny porcelain "tooth keeper" which has a tooth fairy standing next to a horse on the top of it. When I opened it I saw all my teeny tiny kids teeth - not all... but some of them. I put them next to my wisdom teeth and my wisdom teeth are giants in comparison.

full moon aroo aroo

cherry tree

Today I picked the cherries from our backyard. yum yum! Dad and I picked over 3kg of them!

3 more

Only 3 more antibiotic tablets to go! Yay.

The operation went well. They put a little needle in my arm (intravenous sedation) and I fell asleep for half an hour and in that time my dentist pulled out all my wisdom teeth. I woke up feeling fine - as if I had just woken up in the morning. As I rested in the patient's room, I mumbled to the nurse, "my teeeeeethhh" and she handed me a bag with all my teeth in it, haha. I got little to no bruising and I don't think my face was puffy either. Just a bit of jaw pain and loads of blood for the first day. I was allergic to the pain killers (I took some and then I got this non-itchy red patches all over me) soooo I stopped taking them.

Today, mama surprised me with a gift. I've been wanting this blue glass bear since the start of the year. Mum and I saw it at this trash and treasure/antique shop at the market and I'd visited it three times but just didn't want to spend my money on something i didn't need. We went to the market yesterday, mum told me I better go see if the bear was there and if it was I should buy it. When I got there the bear was gone and I just said to mum, "At least it has gone to someone who will love it."
I walked into the main bathroom to brush my teeth and I saw a package with my name on it and got really confused and went to mum and said, "why is there a gift?!" and she was all cute and had written me a card that said she should be able to buy me a gift even though it's not christmas or my birthday. In the card she wrote "something you have wanted but couldn't bear to spend your savings on" hahahah I love her and her thoughtful gift!! It is already so precious to me.

_

I baked a pie yesterday. The first pie that I have ever made alone. Mum said that I worried the whole way through. HOWEVER. My worrying made a really yum pie. worry = yum? Possibly not. But poached apples (in cinnamon and clove) in a pie with ice cream sure does.

_

Sarah X is in Canberra at the moment. Today we picked her up and took her to my house! She met my cat and also the stranger fat cat that sat outside my front door (I have never met this cat before. I thought it was a pregnant lady cat, but when I went outside to pat it/ roll it all around it seemed to be just a fat boy cat. I don't know why it is at my house, maybe it is the secret boyfriend of my kitty oh la la... or maybe my love for fat cats was so strong that it attracted the fat cat to meeee)

S looked through pictures of me as a kid, and then we played with lego and what began as innocent ideas ( "let's make an ice cream store out of lego!") turned into weird weird things / war between our lego figures and crazy hide outs. When we finished building we looked at each other in horror and worry at what we had created.

Later, we stuffed our faces with dumplings. I laughed afterwards because when I asked S what she wanted to eat she said, "something light!" and we ended up eating sooooo many dumprinngggszzz.

I took her to the park next door. They recently renovated the park... and added new things. There is this one swing (i must have written about this before) that was just SO COOL I WANT IT. It's a massive swing and when S was pushing me on it i wanted to fall asleep. It was so relaxing. I felt like I was a baby in the arms of my mother. That is how good it is. It's a time machine.

We rode the bikes down to the lake and later went to the supermarket to eat some callipo icey poles! It was so good to hang out with her in Canberra. She's the first uni friend to see my house!

Has been a happy day.

wahhh

teeth. out. tomorrow.

I saw my doctor last week and literally made her check everything. She told me that I got food poisoning and that it could take up to a month to fully recover because this food poisoning made a virus on my stomach or some cray thing. However, I am feeling way better now.

I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow. Im not getting put under and I'm not just getting needles. It's like... I am just drugged so I am totally OK about what is happening and I can be aware of things but apparently I will be at peace with it all?? And then after a while I will forget... according to my doctor.

The operation is early in the morning. I cant eat or drink anything 6 hours beforehand. That shouldn't be a problemo.

I have been in bed for almost 3 weeks. I got offered to redo a menu in a Melbourne cafe by one of my friend's friends. It's odd that when I apply for jobs I don't get it and then when I don't apply for things ... I get something. But it has been really good. The owner has been really kind to me and I think this experience is good, even though I don't get to design anything.

I made a house for my cat and she loves it. Whoohoo. And I have been helping out with a garage sale my ma and pa had (I designed the space. HAHAHA oh university comes in handy. Not really... but kind of actually)

I met with Abbey yesterday. She picked me up and we saw a Breaking Dawn and I laughed so hard through the whole movie, gosh it was horrible.

I am so looking forward to some movies that are coming out soon!

My sister got engaged a while ago and only recently their landlord decided to move back into the house. So my sister and her fiance (that is still weird for me to say) are moving back into my family home. My sister said to me, "IT'LL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES" ... which is... true and will be interesting. My brother will have to move back in, haha.

I sat in the garden today and my cat came and sat next to me.

Canberra has such beautiful sunsets... Almost every day. It's super lovely.

Photos later...

I miss you.

later days

I have been in bed for the last two - three days feeling so so sick. I saw my doctor yesterday and she told me I have either a virus or the flu. It's been pretty bad... My fever has been on and off and was as high as 41 a few nights ago.

My doctor told me to eat some plain food - because I haven't been eating anything since I started feeling ill cus it makes me want to throw up. It's been really hard to want to eat cus my appetite has almost dropped to zero... but I have managed to eat a tiny bit every 9 hours or so.

I have been feeling pretty shit. Jing hasn't been home much because of work and she left this weekend to go to her boyfriend's house... so I have been home alone pretty much the whole time. I felt quite sad that she wasn't considerate enough to just stay one more night here to make sure that I was ok (cus I am leaving tomorrow)

I really wanted to go to INDEX tonight... I wanted to see everyone before they went on holidays and I wanted to drink and be happy and see people's work. But it's just not meant to be. I care a lot for my body and so I think being at home is definitely the right choice. I probably would have frozen. Only one of my friend's texted me to see if I was coming and if I was alright. At this point, I am just wanting to go back to Canberra where family will actually look after me. I was so grateful to Shannay yesterday because she drove me to the doctor from Glen Waverely station.

I am feeling slightly better cus of rest and I just ate a bit of apple and that was good... But I always feel better when I am not moving.

This week has been pretty shit health-wise. I think I overdid it with the hand-in. Way too many hours at uni and not enough proper food. I don't even remember eating properly which is so bad and I am never doing that again. Losing weight like this feels sucky and so bad.

I took a break to see Pandas at the site during the week. I was tired all the time and my head was super hazy but I liked the change of atmosphere and their comforting hugs. I am hoping they will have an awesome time in Jap.

Here are some photos from that afternoon:

第一個熊貓

（the first panda ... being a projector holder heehee)

 

第一個熊貓和第二個熊貓

I am now waiting for my body to be tired so I can rest well. I'm watching old disney tv cartoons. The one I am watching is called "The Weekenders" and I remember thinking as a child that it was the funniest thing. I still like it. I think it is making my body much happier.

I am hoping this sickness will leave my body soon so I can actually feel like Uni is over for the year (whoop)

wat up

I will properly update once University is officially over for the year whoo hoo can't wait.

I have been slowly reading The First and Last Freedom by Krishnamurti and I am liking the words.

I am currently making a new song just so I can relax a little after a half day spent sitting in Uni staring at a screen : ( I would much rather be painting the Index site with Pandas but I just want to get tech done soooo badly.

Last night was the studio exhibition. Yi Li and I set up our space. She and I worked really really well together and I was so surprised because we haven't spoken much over the semester. We were both pleased with our impulsive decision to string tape across the screen. I had a really happy night talking to everybody. I don't socialise much... so it was a really nice change from the home-alone-wishing-i-had-a-cat state.

I left to find Jimmy, Sim, Haley, Frankie and C Y at a cafe. They were eating a bit of food and playing a card game. They told me I should join and I did. I didn't know the game so Sim and Jim were being helpful and telling me the rules. We played and when it was my turn I made a mistake and this girl from my year snickered and told me off saying, "HAH why did you put down TWO cards??" and I thought to myself how much of a bitch she was being, just laughing at me for not understanding the game. I ended up beating her in the game ho ho ho ho ho.

I keep having these moments during the day... Where I am just listening to music and walking around and then suddenly I think to myself, "What if  -insert friend name here-  was here right now?" and then I smile to myself and I feel so happy and then I realise that I am walking around smiling my face off at my own thoughts. It's not bad, it's just interesting.

i think im bad at taking care of myself

So my arm has been hurting and I wrapped it up with a bandage and after quite a while I looked down at both my arms and one was a different colour.

: (

I took the bandage off.

It's the same colour now.

Sorry, arm.

incredibox

take a look.


couldn't stop laughing.

till the early am

Last night, Jim and Sim came over. They drew comics till the late night and I made a song about them drawing comics. Once they had finished, we put on coats and headed out into the streets to calm jimmy's hunger. Sadly all the restaurants had just closed the kitchen so we went back home and cooked random food in the kitchen. Afterwards, we sat around my room, covered in blankets, and watched videos of talented people/ embarrassing people / listened to music and talked about a lot of things. Jimmy said how he liked eating fish oil tablets... and I thought it was so gross that he'd pop them in the mouth and consume them. yuuuckkkk. way too fishy.

It was nice and I think something that I've wanted for a long time. Just to talk wayyyy into the early morning. Talk even though we're tired and talk about real things of ourselves and of our thoughts. Encouraging each other to be ourselves and being really free to speak about whatever.

I liked that we talked about "what if you could turn any object into food? what thing would you turn into food??" and all of us said we turn flowers into some light crunchy candy. I said if paper was like sheets of sherbet mmmmmmmm. We talked about how people can easily imagine the combination of some food even though we haven't had it before, for example - worm and ice cream and we went on about this topic for a while trying to come up with really peculiar combinations of food and laughing at some thinking, "actually that wouldn't be that bad!"

I filmed a bit of last night- I think I wanted something to remember it by... Something more than just memory. I filmed both of them individually- while we talked and listened to music - and asked them to give a message to themselves in two years time (when we finish uni). I think it'll be interesting to show them it when the time comes because I am sure they will forget about it. Sim filmed me, too.

We talked even though we were so so sleepy and even when our words turned into mumbles.

I've missed this.

seek

sun & moon

take me to a happier place

I have been in dreams so much the past week. I had hours and hours of sleep and, when I woke, I would still be tired. I wanted to get meds to keep me awake, but I know that this was more of a psychological problem than a physical one. I think my dreams are a place for escape for me when I do not like what is happening in this reality. They have always been a comfort for me, despite the occasional "nightmare" or not-so-plesant dream.

I have been afraid of not meeting high expectations, and that caused me to fall into slumber so easily. A part of me must have thought that if I was asleep I wouldn't have to do it- that sleep would make me feel better about the work. It really didn't. I felt like a part of me wanted to do badly in the presentation and break under this pressure just to say, "See you shouldn't have put me under this stress."
... Then this little flame inside me said, firmly, "No." I do not want fear to ever pause me, especially if it is just fear created by my own mind. I want to present something that makes people interested. I want to do well, and I have always wanted that. By "well", I mean to my own standards and those of the person/people who I chose to mentor me. And most importantly, I want to be happy for myself (and, by nature, that is not a feeling that comes easily for me)

I have been more active the last few days. I have been to Uni and back, carrying with me Projectors, a tripod and camera. Feeling a little bit like a horse, donkey or camel carrying so many things slung over both shoulders. Occupying myself with many things to do has made me feel a little bit better.

I also worked for Vic over Friday night and Saturday and earned myself some money (yay) which is going straight into the bank for my trip to America.

I am patiently waiting for the holidays to arrive. I want my teeth to be pulled out so that in my recovery time (2 - 4 weeks) I can slowly draw water colour stories or just sleep and drink lots of soup.