preparing for the day

nom nom

I asked mum if she could buy me a couple of bananas

... apparently she can buy me more than a couple. "I also bought you two heads of lettuce"

What am I going to do with two heads of lettuce? But I do like eating lettuce. Vegemite on lettuce yum yum yum HAHAHA god why am I the only one that eats that? 

I now also have a pumpkin, many lemons (mmmmmm lemon), lots of mushrooms and mandarins. I'm ok for food for the next few weeks. Yayyy.

I'm feeling happier at the moment. I think it's because I've started guitar and singing again. I also saw the sunset for the first time in a long while... it was really nice. I kept looking at those little birds today and that made me happy too.

After going to studio for some feedback, I wandered down to the Australian NGV to see Fred Williams: Infinite Horizons. I used my last free ticket as it was going to expire in a couple of days anyway.

I particularly liked his earlier works (the ones before 1970) like Sapling forest, Circular hillside landscape, You Yangs landscape II, Australian landscape and Minimal landscape. I was going to find links for all of them but the images aren't as good as seeing them in person. I think my favourite out of the ones that I listed was Minimal landscape... because of how effortless it seemed and yet it was just so beautiful and had so much colour in the little marks. Anyway yes you wont know what i'm talking about unless you've seen it, hahahah.

A few quotes from around the gallery:

"The fullness of emptiness"

"The rarest of artists are the ones who see familiar things as no one has previously seen them, and who, in setting down their vision, reshape our world for us."

I was looking at one of his last paintings and it was of the outback and the colours of the earth and trees were so beautiful. The only thing I thought was ugly was the road.

& that made me think about roads, cement pathways and passageways built for us. I think it's weird how we follow the paths other people have built, when there are maybe more natural ways for us to wander.

I also went and saw Fred Kruger: Intimate Landscapes. I THOUGHT THEY WERE THE SAME THING... because the names are so similar. I think that I don't really read words properly, i just look at how letters look together and how that feels. I quite often go through books without really knowing how to say the protagonist's name (or what it even is). Anyway, I also enjoyed this photography exhibition. I loved the old photographs, sometimes I thought that they were paintings. I really love photography sometimes... I was looking at one of the images and there were some people talking and there was a boat in the background and I thought to myself how nice it would be to be a photograph of a happy moment... because then you could live that moment forever. It sounds silly, but even though it's only been a semester.. there are plenty of moments that I wish I could re-live - Not because I didn't appreciate them at the time, but because it was quite pleasant and my soul felt at peace.

I went to the library afterwards to suss out the plans to the old Queen Victoria hospital. Everyone was really helpful cus I had no clue where/what to do. This lady helped me order them in from Bendigo and they're meant to arrive on Thursday. I'm not going to rely on them much for my project because I'm not even sure if they're come in handy, but either way I think it'll be interesting to have a look at them.

Worrying never really helps. I think if I start worrying it means I'm not doing anything and I'm just procrastinating by worrying WHICH IS SILLY. So! I am going to go with the flow and just make things and write ideas and hopefully that will lead me in a direction that I end in an outcome in which I am happy with!

learning

'cause I feel that when I'm with you
it's alright
and i know it's alright


am learning it on the guitar whoohoo go away ma worriezzz



songs:

Let The Drummer Kick - Citizen Cope
Make You Feel That Way - Blackalicious
Pull My Heart Away - Jack Penate
Flutes - Hot Chip
Blood Red Youth - California Wives
Fader - The Temper Trap
Disparate Youth - Santigold

in other news

Even though I currently feel quite depressed and simultaneously annoyed at myself, I'm going to write about my most happy times from Friday - Sunday.

Friday:

It rained all day. I woke up before the sunrise to get to school and do some more of my comm work. I think it is abnormal for any human to want to get up before a sunrise (unless it is to see the sunrise) and i found it super difficult to leave my bed. I normally tell myself, "you should get out to get some tea... and then you can get back into bed." and then I know by the time I get out and get the tea I'm smart enough not to get back in.

I got to Uni before 8am which doesn't sound supppper early but it felt super super early. No one was in the labs which was rad. I managed to finish up my renders and make it in time for history. I didn't have to go to history (because i did my presentation last week) but I went anyway to that I could be there to support friends. No one else that presented last week came so the class was only half full. My friends did a really good job. Nay had a quote that could have totally suited my presentation and we talked about it after class. It was something about the human adjusting to the home and vice versa. Krisi did super research about community housing and I felt like I learnt a lot from hers.

I had lunch with Krisi, Nay and Michael at fed square. We all shared noodles (two bowls - egg noodles, soba) and they were really tasty and had tofu (i love you tofu) and it was so nice to be inside and warm away from the rain. We were all pretty exhausted from the week. Our conversations were full of laughter and that made me really happy.

We half walked half trammed back to Melbourne central and had free tea from T2.

Studio was sad because it was our last class and pandas made a slide show. I'm happier with my idea and I spoke to Ariel more about it.

After the quick meeting, Brooke showed me her new house. It was completely different from her last one. She shares it with 5 other people. I really liked how many floors the house had. I think there were three and on each level there were different things. It reminded me of this lovely duplex my mum back in the day of house hunting for fun.

We noticed that were was a leak coming from her ceiling onto her bed so she and one of her roomie's moved the bed to the other side of the room. We played some mario kart to get her mind off of the leaking. I lost. Again. Ok I came last in one race (how can i not beat the computer???) and then i.. came... 7th or something and then i kept falling off the stupid rainbow road! Rahhh. I just need practise I'm sure!

We left to meet the class at dinner but we just missed the tram so had to wait 15 minutes in the freezing cold. I really need to buy some pants or thicker tights.

It was nice to have dinner with the majority of the class. We ate at a korean restaurant. I don't actually remember eating all that much except the kimchi pancake and that was super yumyum. mmm kimchi.

After dinner a few of us (Pandas, Veev, Sarah, Brooke, Valaya and Elise) went to Prudence. I was so glad that their outside had a heater! I spent most of the time talking to Andii and Veev about TV and movies. It was hilarious to see veev get so into talking about Drive and all the TV she watches. At one point we were talking about good movies to watch and after she had suggested Drive she said, "Scott Pilgrim" and Andii was saying how she'd watched that a number of times and I was thinking yayyyyy i've found people who like that humour (not that's hard to like, but last year I showed some old uni friends the movie and they DIDN'T GET IT and i was so shocked and they were like, "so izzy, this is how you see the world? this is your humour?") anyway. It's awesome and made me laugh.

I also talked to Sarah about potatoes. The other night I spoke to her very early in the morning (i think maybe 2am) about potatoes. I have no idea how we got onto the topic or why I was awake but she told me she had a potato story to tell me. I was laughing to much about her love for potatoes. It is quite extraordinary! Hehehe.

I was getting sleepy and after we left Veev, Sarah and I went to get some chips and gravy at some place near China town. After that Sarah and i took the tram back to our houses. It's been nice because recently I have been speaking to Sarah more.


Saturday:

Mid morning I went to Glen Waverely to see my Aunties and mum and have brunch with them. I got to Richmond station on time for my train (i was early 10 minutes) and i texted my mum, "guessss what!!!" and she texted back, "If you missed the train I DON'T WANT TO KNOW." hahaha. She was happy and surprised to know I was early for my train for once in my life. At lunch my aunties were trying to organise a small birthday dinner for me at some fancy place. Brunch was decent, but it was just nice to see them all and chat for a while. I had to leave at 2 to get to Uni because Louis came in to help anybody who needed it.

I wasn't intending to stay the whole day at uni but I started to get really into After Effects and I was just keen on finishing my work so that I could just concentrate on Studio. I ended up staying till 9pm with Laura but we both managed to finish our 30 second film.

I was so so happy (as seen in the other post) about finishing my work. I honestly was so shocked at myself for finishing the assignment a week early. It felt great and also scary hahaha.


Sunday:

I woke up early to meet Vic at Fed square. We set up her stall and had some tea. The day went smoothly and Vic and I worked as a really good team. She said, "After a customer finishes, I keep thinking "what do I have to do next?" and before i notice, you've already done all the things!" It was actually quite funny and nice to see how we worked together. She would swipe someone's card and wait for the merchant receipt and once she took it out of the machine, i'd take it from her hand and write down what we just sold and put it in a book and she'd be talking to the customers and i'd take the machine out of her hand and put it back on the shelf.

It was a really cold day but it was brightened up by the nice people I kept meeting and the lovely surprise cake that arrived for me and Vic from Nat @ Beatrix!

lime chiffon cake

I spoke a bit to Lara from Ink & Spindle about her work and that was interesting! I also saw Sass (ask alice stationery) which was super nice because I haven't seen her since we met for laksa a long while ago! I met a lot of creative people throughout the day, they were all friends of Vic and all seemed really nice.

Juae from class came to the market! She said she saw my fb post about it and came to see me which was sooo lovely of her :D She's actually the only person that came to visit me, but it was super nice and unexpected - just what I like. Hahaha.

I have had a really happy few days. I suppose it's just bad luck to have lost my little unicorn. It still makes me sad thinking of him, but this feeling will be with me for a while. I know that it's just a learning step not to put precious things in places that are unstable. I think it's just meant to be. I went for a walk today and kept looking out for it on the ground. I never noticed how many things are left behind, purposely or by mistake. I spotted many things I would have ignored if it wasn't for the fact that I lost something of my own.

I think i am sad because it was something i made by hand and was my own idea and now it's just out there and lost to the world. I keep thinking, "maybe in the fuuuuuuture someone will find it and see my name etched in it and i'll be long gone but my little unicorn will live on." hahaha, sigh.

i think i lost my unicorn

and that fucking sucks

(will be writing a happier post in the morning or early afternoon!!)

But in all seriousness i am so sad i feel like i've lost my child - if my child were a small silver unicorn. I just came back from walking around my park and near the front of my house with a flash light and all i found was that there is a hell of a lot of snails at night.

I think I lost him on Friday somewhere. I had him in my inner pocket in my jacket and I'm pretty sure it was zipped most of the time. I wasn't wearing him cus i just wanted to wear my circle but i love him so much I that kept him in my pocket so that he could travel with me. Ahhhhhh my love where are you???

:C


sadness
regret
why am i stupid

happy happy dance

After so many hours I have finally finished my 30 second film for comm class. Ahhh so happy and relieved!!! I'm a bit shocked at myself too because this is the first time I've ever finished something so early (it's due in a week)

I actually got home before 11pm for the first time this week. IT FEELS LOVELY.

dreams

It has been a few days since I have dreamed. It must be the late nights or cycle of thoughts that have kept me from them.

I walked the same path home last night. Through the park and past the tree. For the first time since moving here, I felt uneasy. The whole park was dark and cold. Tree trunks became endless voids, or disappeared completely, leaving the large cluster of leaves above them to float in the air. They became stagnant clouds that sung sounds of the sea.

--

Dreams showed to me how I would feel if what I hoped would happen had happened. They showed me an alternate life. There is an odd feeling of nostalgia fixed to these dreams. They seem to be memories of my hopes. As if, through the subconscious contemplation of them, I have already experienced them. Even though it was not out of the mind.

In another:

It was a windy day. I had experienced this in dreams before and I knew what I had to do and what I wanted to do. I lifted my arms up and closed my eyes. I let the wind pick me up into the sky. I felt myself move with the strong currents. I don't know where I drifted... but I was happy just to let go.

also

eat this. piadina on gertrude street. tasty ... sooooo tasty & super super filling (you could share)

i've become one of "those people" who leave their computers to render!

literally been spending every night at uni doing cinema class. 10 seconds of animation took 10 HOURS.

i kid you not. I am oddly enjoy the process. It makes me excited. I am honestly surprised at myself that I haven't died or cried yet about this class. It is extreme amount of work and time. I don't even know how to express how pleased I am that I actually forced myself to do it and that I learnt things that i thought i would die learning. I am happy but there is much more work to do for the class! Can't wait to hand it all in. Can't wait to do the final renders on after effects. I'm dreading using that program. I am actually afraid. But I'm just not going to think about it!! Ahhh!

spoke to vanni on skype and we sung some songsss but i was too tired and soon fell asleep (was a great conversation)

past

I have been reflecting on the past recently. It has been weaving itself, constantly, through my flow of thought. Almost to the point where I feel like I'm at that moment just before I'm about to die and I'm re-living everything.

I was talking to Lambie and Vanni last night on skype. I kept thinking back to all the days we spent together. The planned and the unplanned. The chinese classes I had with Lamb and how in every single lesson our laoshi (teacher) asked him "have you done your gongke? (homework)" and he'd wear this face of shame as he answered, "no..."

My high school days at the European school seem to all be in this period of time where I grew a lot - in that I learnt more about myself and I learnt to love myself more.

I remember spending so many days in the art room. The thursday nights we spent slaving over canvases, but enjoying it so much. Eating pizza with each other and getting constantly criticized Mr. Hill. I think in a way that room a safe place for me. I think Mr. Hill was the first adult figure that told me I was different, who said they believed in me and who I felt truly meant it. I remember the moment so clearly. I had to tell him, "... I just need to get something out of the other room." and I just ran to the other side of the art room and began crying my eyes out.

I remember when we had final exams and there was an art curator who came to look at our pieces. We had a one on one talk with her. She told me, "You're paintings all have pathways. They all have doors. You haven't gone through the doors yet, in the future you will find the right one." She was some crazy psychic I think. She made a statement about one of my friend's family life and my friend said that she was spot on. Made me wonder how much my art said about my life.

The final night of the graduation trips will always be one of my favourite nights. It wasn't an exciting night. It was just peaceful. A few of us walked along the beach until the sun rose. I remember it being cold. I remember looking out into the darkness of the ocean and feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I remember Judy didn't come along because she was scared of looking out at the ocean at night. She said it was too vast and made her feel so small... but I really loved to look at the ocean and feel small. I remember for a while we lay on the road. It was early in the morning and there were no cars. I always love to lie on roads. I haven't done that in so long.

Also one of my favourite accumulation of moments was when I took a taxi back home with Ann. We did that quite often for some reason cus we lived pretty close to each other and we were too lazy to catch the train/it was too late to catch the train. Ann always tells it to me straight. When I first befriended her it felt almost as if she was stabbing me in the face every time she spoke to me because she was just so blunt about things. I grew to really appreciate that quality. We would sleepily talk about the things that had been happening in our lives. We did this over a period of 2 years and it was funny because we reflected our past taxi conversations. I would say to her, "two months ago you said Christian was childish and silly and now you like him HEHEHEHE." It seemed to us that our life would go in cycles. We'd talk about the same thing each time we got into the taxi.

I love a lot of things from that time. Even though things were bad for about half a year or more, I think I left it thinking "well at least I experienced that."

The class trip to Cambodia. Singing songs with Sarah as we walked under the heat of the sun. Sharing ipods and taking silly photos with our cameras. Falling asleep soundly at night and waking up and saying to each other, "wow that's amazing we slept so well!!!" The last night of the trip when the boys came and insisted on staying. Staying up so late that night that I became a "grumpy" sleepy person and collapsing on my bed only to be woken up by Vanni 2 hours later asking if he could sleep on my bed cus Sarah's bed was too full of humans. I think my reply was, "mmmeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg g. zzzzzzz"

I spent a lot of time with Vanni out of school. I never really even considered that he liked me then. I think I was (and continue to be) very vague when it comes to that subject. I am glad that I was vague though. I truly loved the days I spent with him, even though to me they were completely plutonic. I remember one time we went to the beach really spontaneously. Just packed our swimmers and took a long train ride and a bus ride there. We were eating chips on the bus and all the people were looking at us and then we realised we weren't meant to eat on the bus. When we left we had to wait an hour for the last bus. I was so afraid we'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

And then there was Sam. It's kind of nice how I only really remember the good times... If I really think hard I can remember the sad things but I don't really want to. They were significant though.

Oh man didn't even mean to write this much.

Sometimes I think my past was so much better than my present. I used to get lost in memories. I wanted to just sleep because I missed all the moments and the comfort.

But I know there is much more out there to feel. There is much more to experience. So no matter how shitty shit shit things seem to be, they will get better.

ahhhhh

rahhhhhhhhhhhh
rahhhhhhh
... rah


this is painful.

but it'll pass.


songs:

Going Back - Tropics
Other People - Beach House
Counting Stars - Nujabes
Songbird - Eva Cassidy
Separator - Radiohead
Wait and See - Sebastian Lind
Glittering Blackness - Explosions in The Sky
Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down
Stop These Feet - Sebastian Lind

visit

A couple weeks back we did the exquisite corpse game in class. Here are the results!

So I know that I was complaining the shiz out of the history essay... But that is mainly because of my inability to easily express my ideas properly through writing. (I know this is silly cus I'm writing about this on my blog...) But I have a fair bit of difficulty writing, and even talking, about my thought processes and making it all grammatically correct. It was a terrible operation of converting the things I think and feel in my mind into actual words. Despite the super slow process, I actually am content with the outcome. A lot of the time, in conversation, I feel I speak quite vaguely about things and this is because I think I'm afraid that people will will assume I always think in a certain way... When really I feel like thoughts, ideas and beliefs are always in a state of flux. 

Anyway, writing the essay has made me realise that I have to seriously improve on my ability to communicate my ideas!

manual cut and paste

At lunch on Friday I went to visit Vic. I was pretty exhausted and a bit delusional when I went there, but we had lunch and she told me to rest a bit before class. I took a walk in the park. I love how the ground was covered in a layer of leaves. How the front and back of the leaves were different shades. All of them were unique. I picked up one red one and brought it to class. I just wanted to look at it some more. It was hilarious to see the reaction of friends. I think at least five of them picked up the leaf and said, "WHOA IT'S A LEAF!" or "Ohmygosh is that a leaf? It's pretty! It doesn't feel like it's real...." and "Where'd you get that leaf??" I just thought it was so peculiar and funny. I later told Elaine (mag) about it and she was laughing lots and saying if she brought a leaf into her uni class they would respond, "Oh... Hey Elaine you have a leaf on your table" and then proceed to wipe if off. Hahaha.

cleaned my desk and wall!

I bought some flowers for myself on Saturday from the guy who sells them at the start of my street! I've been meaning to do this for agessss. I'm really happy with the ones I bought. They are purple mmmm! I walked by there yesterday and saw that he also sold poppies!! I'm going to buy those next time.

(I ALSO GOT MY SHOES FIXED FINALLY)

Elaine came down to visit meee this weekend! When she arrived I tried sneaking up on her... but she was all too aware of my habits and ended up sneaking up on me! We walked up and down Chapel street and ended up eating lunch at a Japanese restaurant. On the way there, I finally found the Prahran markets (now I know where to go to get fooood!) We had milkshakes at soda pop and the waiters started to dance just as we were heading out the door. 

shaking his tail feathers

That evening was BSB. Just before we left home, Elaine said she had an early birthday present for meee ahh. 

Mag always makes the most interactive cards. I have actually kept all of them! Anyway yes! She bought me my ticket for BSB! Ahhh. (We also saw The Avengers but the day after. We were on the train together and she was like "I haven't seen a movie in ages, I was going to see The Avengers... But all my friends have seen it already!" and I was like "ME TOOOO LET'S GO!")

ANYWAY BSB.

It was NKOTB and BSB & Johnny Ruffo as the opening. Elaine didn't want to be late so we got there like... for the opening. I wasn't keen at all seeing Johnny but it was actually hilarious. One of the songs he sung actually had the lyrics "When I'm on top of you giiiirl. I'm  on top of the woooorrld." and another was called "DTF" - classy stuff man. 

I only knew one of NKOTB's songs but they did a super good job preforming and involving the audience. 

BSB was great... I was looking at Elaine when they came on and she was screaming her lungs out and when she looked at me she had tears in her eyes. I was laughing soooo hard. I almost started crying because it was so so lovely to see her so excited and also for me to be super happy too!

The show was great. I kept looking at the stage and lighting and I my mind kept thinking about how it could relate to the studio proposition. I wrote down some notes and I think it might lead me in a better direction.

It was coming to the end of the show and they still hadn't played Backstreets Back and I was telling myself "NO DON'T YOUR HOPES UP. They might not play it..." and Elaine was yelling at me (cus it was so loud) "NAH THEY WILL THEY WILL." and I was so so convinced they wouldn't.. But they did and died a bit from happiness.

After the show Mag was asked me, "so how did you manage to see Brian after the show??" and I was like "I got out of the place QUICKLY and then he and the others just drove past and Brian waved out of the window!"

Without really thinking that we would see them, we rushed outside and we were just about to cross the road when a van went past and the BSB were there and they waved out of the van. Elaine was like "OH MY GODDD!!" because they were only 2 meters from us. Can't believe it happened again.

We ran back into the city (took a jog by the lake because we had so much energy in us) and walked around the in night for a while. Secretly hoping we'd see them out and about.

We went home, showered and I fell asleep straight away. I had a lot of dreams that night. In one of them I was with a few friends (I know them in real life but I don't remember who they were... Just their atmosphere) We saw the sun setting and it was very beautiful so we flew up into the sky to take better photos. I've had a similar dream where the same person was there and she told me I should fly above the layer of clouds so I could get better photos. So in this dream I did. A lot of my dreams continue on like that.

We were starving in the morning, so I took Elaine to Green's Refectory (Sydney Road. Right near Jewell Station).

what we shared

We had pancakes as our brunch. It was so so good. The food there is always really yum. It's always very popular so we were lucky to get a table.

A lot of interesting topics arose during our time together. All of which are still processing.

a life

I have been drawing more, too. I will continue because I want to get better at communicating and also because i feel like i don't draw enough.

"are you drawing me?"

"no"

i mean yes : )

ALSO:

I wrote that I went to a life drawing class with Elise a couple weeks back. Here are a couple of the 5 minute drawings I did.

& my kitchen this morning.

OH THANK THE LORD

it is OVER.

Such a horrifically nervous presentation. I am lucky to have had a panel of friends. I think everyone was being very nice in their feedback because I was so obviously tongue tied, awkward and nervous through the whole presentation.

On a happier note, friends and the teacher seemed to like how my personal stories were integrated into my exploration of the home as an entity.

Needing food and sleep.

"AHHHH, AFTER TEN THOUSAND  YEARS I'M FREE!!"

- this is how I feel.

this time of semester

bunny earmuffs, head band and hair in a bun - this only ever means stress

At intern I managed to clean up and do things to the thing I made - whoooo hoo, am happy about that... Hope it turns out alright!

Vic gave me three CDs of the Beastie Boys to listen to. 

I told her that I only JUST found message she sent me on facebook a month ago because it was in the "other" inbox - the inbox for messages from people who you aren't friends with on fb or just event notifications or something and she was like, "the OTHER inbox! Ahhh. I'm adding you as a friend." Hahaha. I remember only a couple months ago she was considering adding me but was worried she'd not gotten to that stage in our friendship. HAHAHA she's great.

I heated up a lot of metal today. I always forget how beautiful the changing colours are.... pretty mesmorising.

Good day at intern as always. 

Was completely exhausted by the time I got to the State Library. I really like the atmosphere there for some reason. I saw the same guy I saw yesterday in the exact same place wearing basically the same thing doing the same thing. I thought I was hallucinating (i was really tired and had gotten lost in the bookshelves trying to find this book and then I saw him and i was like blarrhghghg i've gone back in time) So yesterday I was confused trying to find a place where to put the books I read, and this guy who was just chillin' on the sofa was just staring at me run around looking really confused so I went up and asked him "where on earth do i put these books? ahhh"

Lewis is back in Australia! I really want him to come here and visit but I'm afraid I have too much work going on and I get more stressed when people come and stay rah rah rah. But I want to hear of his NY adventures and also just to spend more time with him.

Back to words. Can't wait till the weekend. Can't wait till BSB with Mag. It's going to be AWESOME. Ahhhh. Wish Lizbeth was coming !!

X

--

I still wonder where you have gone

I didn't want you to go so soon

There is still so much to say

keep moving forward

tea warming hands and air

The past few days have been nostalgic, stressful, happy and weird (but only weird because things that should have been weird weren't at all)

Every morning I turn on happy music and dance so I can wake up and because getting up any other way is so difficult as it is rather cold!

When I stepped outside my home yesterday, on the way to the city, the sky was so blue and clear and I looked down my road and the leaves were falling to the ground. A lot had piled up on the side of the road. The world was blue, orange and grey and I felt so happy. It was one of those moments where I felt as though it was my first time seeing. Everything felt beautiful and I loved the cold air around me.

I lost my gloves last week. The fingerless ones that Ali gave me five or six years ago. I think there was a lot of history in those gloves. So many of my friends wore them. I still have one of the buttons that fell off of one of the gloves. The one I told myself I would sew back... And now it's all I have left.

It's so peculiar. I was wearing them and then I remember being in a cafe with a friend thinking, "Oh lord where are my gloves?" and staring at my hands while mentally retracing my steps.

I hope someone is wearing it. I don't even care who. I just want the to be used and not in the sewer or something. Bye bye gloves. You were the best. All other gloves now seem incompetent. Especially ones that aren't fingerless. Those are so uncomfortable I can't do anything in them!! Ahhhhhh.

Also to do with last week: For uni I found out that the final presentation is on my birthday... Of all days why this day, why?

Thinking about last week is making me sad again.

Was also listening to songbird on repeat which made me want to cry my eyes out.

Oh one thing that I thing that I found funny last week:

[class mate compliments my teacher's outfit]

him: "I like what you're wearing today!"
teacher: "Thanks!"
him: "It looks like it'd be really revealing if you didn't have that jumper on."
teacher: "... Yeah. It suppose it would be."
him: "You better not get really hot or something or you'll have to like.. take it off."
teacher: "..........."

Everyone in the class was laughing their faces off at how awkward it continued to get.

Friday night I went to a class mate's house and played mario kart. It was a nice break. It was different to hang out with these people.

Sunday night brought a lot of conversation. Three of my old friends started talking to me online at the same time. It was a bit overwhelming because I hadn't spoken to a couple of them properly in a very long time.

I haven't seen J since Sydney a year or two ago. I don't really ever know what's happening in his life. He seems to be travelling all the time or just out partying. He was getting really nostalgic and he mentioned he was sick briefly at the start of the conversation. I didn't want to go too into it. I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it again.

So we talked about our past times. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the swings near our old house are going to be pulled down. (J used to live down the road from me many years ago) The swings were a comfort for us. I think they were a comfort to me and I showed them to all my friends. I used to call them "The Swings of Truth!!"  - because when you're on them... You have to tell the truth! Haha. I think it was my way of just getting to know my friends more.

He brought it up in the end. He told me his sickness was back and that made him want to be nostalgic. I didn't really know what to say. I suppose I just wanted to give him a hug or be in Sydney so we could go out on adventures around Sydney in the night and just make him forget for a while.

He told me to pick a weekend and he'll come up to visit. It's just bad timing.

He told me that he was  "addicted to knowledge" and wanted to be "on top of things"... and I found it so curious to see how our thoughts differed. I told him that i thought "being on top" of things was just an idea. If you're at the top of a mountain, you could still be at the bottom of the world -right? I don't know.

I will always be happy to look back at our past. Everything is so fleeting. He will always be the kid who tried to pick a rose off a rose bush for me, but failed so badly. Haha good times.

please get better.

Also on Sunday night, I skyped with Vanni. I haven't seen or heard him in over a year. I was literally just staring at his face and laughing for a half hour because it so so odd and wonderful to see him there, moving in front of me and talking. We talked till the early hours of my morning and I hadn't even realised how fast the time went by. I only knew how tired I had become.
I had forgotten how much he knew about me. There were moments where I was just thinking, "Why on earth did I tell you this argghhh!!" and he laughed. I'm happy our humor hasn't changed and we still laugh so much.

---

Today was quite nice actually. The day was beautiful and the weather was almost my idea of perfect. Class was good as we got to see and hear people's ideas. So interesting to see how many overlapped. I liked talking to the others and getting feedback.

I like having people's writing in my book. I don't know why but it feels special. It makes me smile.

I picked up something new from the casting people today. I had forgotten how excited I get about picking things up. I love opening the little packet and seeing my creation for the first time in metal. Feels so so good! I think it's special making one off pieces. I like knowing that no one else in the world has it. I am really happy with it and am going to finish it off at intern tomorrow.

I was talking to Vic a couple weeks back about how it was interesting that my little animals will probably out live me. They will exist when I've cease to exist. I think it's kind a cool idea.

I went to the state library after class. Sandra (first year I helped with CAD) was texting me about her thoughts on uni. It was nice, I think we'll meet up after uni stress times are over to play guitar. I quite like the State Library actually. I totally wanted to write "there are so many books!!!" but that is quite obvious. But I was excited to .. see.. so.. many books ..  ..  .. They were all very pretty. I think I will go there more from now on!

Speaking of music, I have been missing my piano terribly lately. The music on my current playlist has a lot of piano and my hands ache for it.

I feel so lost sometimes (not so much right now) & the world I want to live in is completely separate from the one we are "in". I don't care much for a lot of things people talk about anymore. I feel like a lot of it isn't important. There seems to be no truth in their words. But sometimes someone talks about something that seems really real and that's what I like to remember and take in. I don't want to take in excess that people seem to radiate. Maybe that's why I don't really like the city. There are too many voices and too much disturbance in the air.

dream time

I've been dreaming so much lately. 

Sometimes I don't want to wake up because I am so comfortable asleep.

& there is no worry, no doubt.

everything is still.


p.s
keep moving forward

f that

Ahhhhhh so angry!! Nooo!! Zor if you are reading this. Gosh darn you. I love you never do that again or I will steal your cat and never let you eat tom yum again. I MEAN IT.

Moving on.

We finished Cinema class early today. Louis taught us basics to After Effects and that was quite cool and he took the class on a small adventure through many random doors of RMIT until we found the green screen. It wasn't all that exciting. Literally just a screen painted green... but it was really interesting and weird getting there. RMIT is a maze.

"how about we do a floating heads installation in the GPO? We can all wear green so only our faces show..."

After I successfully bought my breakfast foods and some tom yum all on sale (sooo goood so many yums) I took the tram home and I wrote. Ignore the random After Effects notes.

I love my new notebook. I think I rub my face on things that I like... I was rubbing the lapis lazuli on my face yesterday after I bought it... Soooo bluuue sooo beautiful.

I am quite honestly tired of feeling this sadness. Like I said in my writing I need to "cheer the fuck up" because there is no point in this sadness. It's the terrible sadness which is numb and emotionless. I would much prefer the emotional and expressive sadness rather than my current state of not caring for much. Many roars.

I've been worried about a fair few things of late. I am going to just let things be and go with the flow of life because worrying doesn't do anything but make my heart and mind weary. I want to do well in uni. I need to stop having silly doubt in myself when I do my work or when I create things for class. I need to not over think things and just try and explain these ideas I have in my mind. I want to be happier and I want to love the world again. & I am already feeling better. There are plenty of things to look forward to and so much more to learn and experience.

ZORAH JUST CAME UP WITH THE BEST THEME EVER ---> AWKWARD. AHAHAHAHAHA. Oh god awkwardness is so powerful I am excited. Literally laughing my face off at the ideas that are coming into my mind.

I'm listening to a whole bunch of 60s music to make me happier. If you'd like to join me here's some:

The Loco-Motion  -- Little Eva
My Guy -- Mary Wells
Baby Love -- Diana Ross & The Supremes
What A Wonderful World --Louis Armstrong
Can't Take My Eyes Off You -- Andy Williams
My Girl -- The Temptations
I Say A Little Prayer -- Aretha Franklin
Sugar Sugar - The Archies

I will awkward dance the rest of this gross feeling awaaaayyyyyy ~~~

XO

road trip & life drawing

My body is calling for sleep. Soon.

I went on a road trip with Vic today. It was nice to be in a car and to drive around Melbourne and to see different places. We headed towards a gem store some place an hour out of the city.

my view the whole way

Vic always has a lot of interesting thoughts. I told her she should write it down and she said she used to do it... But now she doesn't have a notebook. Maybe I will buy her a notebook. She seems so interested in people and I just love her curiosity.

We arrived. There were so many beautifully coloured and textured stones. There was one that looked like it was a piece of an ocean wave. I think we spent an hour or so browsing and in the end I bought two stones... Some quartz that kind of looked like glass and lapis lazuli.

On the way home we stopped by an op shop and Vic bought a new postcard holder for the shop!
Vic decided that she'd take me to Beatrix (North Melbourne, 688 Queensberry St) to have lunch. I met Nat - the talented and very lovely cafe owner and old friend of Vic. The food was delicious. She also makes awesome awesome cake. One tasted like a banana flavoured cloud.

yum yums - apple, chicken and other goodness

our afternoon tea

It was really good to go on this little adventure. I'm thankful to have Vic who is keen on taking me to these places.

In the evening, Elise and I went to the life drawing class at No Vacancy. It was quite pleasant getting to know her more. She is a very kind person and brings with her a very cheery atmosphere. There were around 60 people at the class. "the biggest turn out we've had!" - said the lady.

We both really enjoyed ourselves. The space was interesting and I liked how there were so many people keen on just chilling and drawing the posing guy. It's been a long while since I've done life drawing and it was actually really stress-free and it felt good. I think we're going to go again in a couple weeks.

Rest.

thoughts & drawings

I have been drawing a lot lately. Mainly because it's a good distraction from old habits and also because i think it helps release excess energy and thought.

I suppose, to some extent, I have been feeling pretty depressed and detached/uninvolved lately. A whole bunch of things are in my head at the moment and I just really want them to leave it so I can go back to that peaceful state of just wandering... but the other part of me wants to keep all the thoughts and slowly sort them out and I think maybe that is better plan of the two. As much as I dislike feeling numb in the mind, I suspect the outcome will be good and I may figure something out. I hope this doesn't last too long.

My body has been reminding me of old habits and comfort. In a way it is scary that I feel myself drift towards it... I find it interesting though. I suppose it was an odd comfort of mine that I was sad to say goodbye to. I promised more than two years ago and I plan to keep that promise to myself and to you... but the temptation is still there. Maybe one day it will disappear or maybe it'll just be there always. Oh well. Sometimes I think it wasn't that bad and that maybe it'd somehow make me happier.

I feel like a body can feel comfort in loneliness. If you are alone for a long time then I suppose in a way you get used to it..  Then when you find someone you connect to and, as much as you feel a most pleasant and special bond, your body can't help but feel out of sync or out of the routine and it wants to retreat to empty spaces and being alone.

I think that's how I'm feeling now...

Anyway.

I've had this overwhelming desire to go away. I honestly do not feel very attached here anymore. I walk and I feel like I'm not there.

I guess these feelings are just temporary. I think i'll feel brighter soon. 

temptation

finishhhhhheeeeedd d d d

hooooome time! Exhausted.

renderrrrinnggg OOOO MYYYYY

I have done a bunch of small test renders @ 320x240 and they've taken me almost 10 minutes each.
I must submit 3 renders @ 3200x1800. They are going to take me till long after the sun comes doooownnnnn. BUT I WANT THEM DONE.

Will update this post once I finish. It'll be a while.. A long long while.

I changed the gpo walls to look more like concrete in order to make my dandelions stand out more. I started my render to see how long it would take and it said NINE HOURS.

HELL NO.

I'm changing the walls back to a standard colour, not the beige but something darker. So hopefully it wont wake me as long :(

arooo oo o

Tea kept us warm all day. The weather was continuously drizzly but, nonetheless, we had a few nice people visit the Pandas' garage sale and talk a bit about their lives and what they did & where they were off to. There was a hockey player who had lived in Berlin for a year and could speak French and German and a girl from Spain who was studying Architecture at RMIT for a little while & also the neighbours.

It was sad to see that the tree outside their house had been cut down because it was messing up the gutters or something. It was worse because the stump was still there and the rest of it was piled on the side. Loads of small shavings of bark covered the soil and parts of brick in a yellowy orange.

The light rain covered everything in a cold veil. Branches collected droplets and so did spiderwebs.

We talked about a lot of things - the past, costume parties, childhood toys, favourite past times/moments/memories, old school TV shows, choice/freedom/diversity & more.

The day was, in some way, quite peaceful. I got really tired before dinner. I think it was the warmth of the heater, comfort and that my body digesting conversations. I curled up on the chair and almost fell asleep, but then got distracted by hilarious animal gifs on tumblr. We were laughing our faces off at this one - hahaha

I found a bug on me while I was in the backyard. I kind of put it on a leaf (shook it off till it fell onto the leaf..) I really love Andii's garden of little plants.

While I was in the backyard I was admiring the purple flowers that grew quite vigorously along the back fence. When I turned around a looked up I saw this door... I love it, ahhhh.

Ariel cooked a super yumyum dinner. I ate it all.

I really like spending time with these Pandas. A lot of the time I feel like I don't say much in conversation... But I suppose it might be just cus my body/mind is taking in everything. & I don't mind that. I love their curiosity towards the world & also their happy laughter.

When I left, the moon was bright and almost full. I could't help but feel animal. I texted Darcy, "moon moooon mooon moonnnn!!" (which is such an effort to type with an old phone. M/N/O are all on the same number!!) He texted back straight away saying he was just about to text me the same. Hahaha oh god. I told him I really wanted to aroo to the moon or go for a run or bite, and he said he wanted to do the same. When I got to my park I called him up and we both arooooed loudly to the moon and it felt nice. I think it'll be better to be high up on a building and just yelling out really loudly to the wooorld. I really want to do that one day.

The full moon tonight reminded me of the night of Sarah's birthday. When the crab family went to the roof of my apartment in Taiwan and lay down on a blanket and looked up at the sky. I saw the stars and the clouds and the moon. I could have fallen asleep under them...

tired (as always)

X

almost ready

to fly again

mind

(sorry this post is going to be super text heavy)

I've just come back from the city.

After class, instead of going to a friend's surprise party, I texted Rainbow to see what he was up to. He said he was ill but also that I should come over cus we hadn't seen each other in almost a month.

I went to Melbourne Central to buy a cupcake and the guy who served was like, "Hey! I like your glovessss!" and I replied, "... Thanks they're really old." and he went on about how he had been trying to buy some for agesss and then said to me, "I bought like all the colours of jeans they had in jayjays! let me show you!!" and he took out his phone and lead me to the counter and was flicking through his photos. While this was happening like 10 new customers came up and were waiting to be served but he kept flicking through the photos and was super keen on showing me his new jeans. In the end he noticed all the customers and said that he'd "show me next time" and that "it was so cool" and i was like ... ... you are so random and also just what I needed to get me out of this weird down and sleepy phase.

When I got to Rainbow's apartment he was sitting in the dark playing World of Warcraft. I turned the lights on and we just sat and talked about whatever and it was nice just to be somewhere other than home and just not really think all that much about anything.

We went and ate vegetarian nachos at some bar near the apartment. They were super delicious. Rainbow bought them and I said "thank you for the fooood" and he was like, "it's ok. I'm just repaying you for the sickness you're going to get in a couple of days. hahaha" I honestly hope I don't get ill from him. I think I am going to drink a whole bunch of honey, lemon and mint tea to try and avoid it. When we left, the bartender was like, "byyyeee Canberra!" =   = Also they didn't have mulled wine and I have been wanting mulled wine for sooo looong rahh

I had a really nice night. We went for a wander down lygon street and I kept telling him, "LOOK AT THE MOOOOON AHHH IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL." and he was not impressed by it at all. He kept saying, "it's behind the clouds... You cant really see it..." But you could see it and the light around it made a spectrum. Roar. I did tell him he sucked for not appreciating it. I don't know what it is about the moon but it is so beautiful and powerful and awesome. I do adore it.

Rainbow was craving ice cream so we tried to find some. He was changing his mind about what he wanted to eat so much we ended walking from lygon, past melbourne uni down to elizabeth street and in the end we bought apple pies. They were yum.

Afterwards we went back to his apartment and he taught me how to play some of World of Warcraft. Zorah keeps telling me she's playing it so I just wanted to see what part of her world was like, hahaha. I got tired of killing things and told Rainbow I was sleepy.

After I left, I took the tram to Flinders to meet Chichi. She waited for me so we could take the train two stops together, haha. So nice of her! When I had just gotten onto the tram at Melbourne Central I texted her, "Just on!" and she replied, "OK HURRY THE TRAIN LEAVES IN 10 MINUTES! I'l wait for you at the platform!" and i was thinking, "oh man, I'm not going to make it." When my tram arrived I literally ran to the platform and jumped into the train and called Chi to see where she was and she said she was at the tram platform waiting for me and I was like, "I'M ON THE TRAIN ahhh I didn't see you!!" But she was able to make the train in time.

For the two stops, she told me how the surprise party went, how her studio was going and also that she had met someone new. Chi always seems to be falling for people it's quite funny and nice. She told me that Isa and her weren't going to stay together and she was ok with it and then she kept telling me how this new girl was really nice and also a bit crazy, haha.

Going back to the start of the day -

History actually went well. I was kind of surprised how comfortable I felt telling her about my ideas. I do feel much more fond of the thing I've decided to explore and it interests me much more. She liked my video work and said she'd email me some references which will be super super handy if she remembers.

I had lunch with Shannay on Gertrude street. On the way there I popped into intern to say "Hellooooooo!" to Vic. Shannay and I ate at the Cafe I sometimes eat at while at intern. Their food is so yum and fresh. It was a very good lunch.

I was super tired and just wanting comfort or to sleep in bed all through studio. I stayed because Andii was showing the class how to use in design and I didn't know much at all about the program and generally steered clear of it just because I was afraid of my mind exploding. But I actually learnt a fair bit, so I a glad I stayed. The rest will come with practise.

My laptop trackpad was and is still being an ass face. It has not been working properly for last couple of days so I've decided to just use my wireless mouse instead. Many roars. But whatever, I'm not going to stress over it. It is what it is. I'm happy I have a mouse.

I am super tired and I always seem to be whenever I write in my blog. I'll write my next entry earlier.

My mind is foggy. I think I will let it rest.

X

P.S
I have a whole bunch more I want to write about just thoughts and shiz but I am too tired soooo more will come in days approaching.

process

Rhino class is always an entertaining mixture of amazing happiness and wanting to die. It is the most tedious thing to wait for a program to respond. Especially when you're waiting to see if you selected the right thing, and after 5 minutes, it turns out it clicked the tiny object next to the thing you wanted to click.

After four hours fixing the hole in the roof and adding flooring and back walls, I finally imported my "GPO" into 3dmax and added a few dandelion puffs. 

During the class, I added just the basic colours just so I could see what it would kind-of look like when it's properly rendered. I kind of love that the class is always filled with madness.

Before class I took the elevator up to level 11 to meet Shannay and see what she'd been up to. It was super funny and quite interesting to see how many people literally threw themselves in between the closing doors of the elevator, just to hitch the ride up. I think there was at least three people between level 2 and level 11. Those metal doors are quite vicious. I wanted to draw teeth on them so it looked like everyone was stepping into the mouth of a giant or a beast.

When we were all in class I think the first half hour was spent laughing with Shannay and Michael about really silly things that I don't remember too much of. I vaguely remember a conversation between us:

Me: "ooooh my gooooddd my life!!" 

Shannay: "am I ruinng your life again??"

Michael: "WHO IS A WIFE?"

When Louis came and had a look at my work I got super stressed cus he was telling me to, "just do the command for this to blah blah blah" and I was thinking ,"oh man oh man must remember this so I don't look stupiddd ahhhhh." and I must have looked stressed cus he was looking at me and said, "you are very very nervous" and i was like "YOU ARE RIGHT BEHIND MEEE ARGHH." I felt so much pressure.

After that stress, he waited to see what the test render looked like and as the image became clearer I got suuuuper super excited and was clapping like a seal or something and Louis was just looked at me a was like, "... Whoa." 

I was just so happy to see the progress I had made. I know the test render doesn't look amazing but there is still a lot to add and I am just very very very pleased the class hasn't killed me.

Am exhausted.

X