tea warming hands and air
The past few days have been nostalgic, stressful, happy and weird (but only weird because things that should have been weird weren't at all)
Every morning I turn on happy music and dance so I can wake up and because getting up any other way is so difficult as it is rather cold!
When I stepped outside my home yesterday, on the way to the city, the sky was so blue and clear and I looked down my road and the leaves were falling to the ground. A lot had piled up on the side of the road. The world was blue, orange and grey and I felt so happy. It was one of those moments where I felt as though it was my first time seeing. Everything felt beautiful and I loved the cold air around me.
I lost my gloves last week. The fingerless ones that Ali gave me five or six years ago. I think there was a lot of history in those gloves. So many of my friends wore them. I still have one of the buttons that fell off of one of the gloves. The one I told myself I would sew back... And now it's all I have left.
It's so peculiar. I was wearing them and then I remember being in a cafe with a friend thinking, "Oh lord where are my gloves?" and staring at my hands while mentally retracing my steps.
I hope someone is wearing it. I don't even care who. I just want the to be used and not in the sewer or something. Bye bye gloves. You were the best. All other gloves now seem incompetent. Especially ones that aren't fingerless. Those are so uncomfortable I can't do anything in them!! Ahhhhhh.
Also to do with last week: For uni I found out that the final presentation is on my birthday... Of all days why this day, why?
Thinking about last week is making me sad again.
Was also listening to songbird on repeat which made me want to cry my eyes out.
Oh one thing that I thing that I found funny last week:
[class mate compliments my teacher's outfit]
him: "I like what you're wearing today!"
teacher: "Thanks!"
him: "It looks like it'd be really revealing if you didn't have that jumper on."
teacher: "... Yeah. It suppose it would be."
him: "You better not get really hot or something or you'll have to like.. take it off."
teacher: "..........."
Everyone in the class was laughing their faces off at how awkward it continued to get.
Friday night I went to a class mate's house and played mario kart. It was a nice break. It was different to hang out with these people.
Sunday night brought a lot of conversation. Three of my old friends started talking to me online at the same time. It was a bit overwhelming because I hadn't spoken to a couple of them properly in a very long time.
I haven't seen J since Sydney a year or two ago. I don't really ever know what's happening in his life. He seems to be travelling all the time or just out partying. He was getting really nostalgic and he mentioned he was sick briefly at the start of the conversation. I didn't want to go too into it. I didn't know if he wanted to talk about it again.
So we talked about our past times. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the swings near our old house are going to be pulled down. (J used to live down the road from me many years ago) The swings were a comfort for us. I think they were a comfort to me and I showed them to all my friends. I used to call them "The Swings of Truth!!" - because when you're on them... You have to tell the truth! Haha. I think it was my way of just getting to know my friends more.
He brought it up in the end. He told me his sickness was back and that made him want to be nostalgic. I didn't really know what to say. I suppose I just wanted to give him a hug or be in Sydney so we could go out on adventures around Sydney in the night and just make him forget for a while.
He told me to pick a weekend and he'll come up to visit. It's just bad timing.
He told me that he was "addicted to knowledge" and wanted to be "on top of things"... and I found it so curious to see how our thoughts differed. I told him that i thought "being on top" of things was just an idea. If you're at the top of a mountain, you could still be at the bottom of the world -right? I don't know.
I will always be happy to look back at our past. Everything is so fleeting. He will always be the kid who tried to pick a rose off a rose bush for me, but failed so badly. Haha good times.
please get better.
Also on Sunday night, I skyped with Vanni. I haven't seen or heard him in over a year. I was literally just staring at his face and laughing for a half hour because it so so odd and wonderful to see him there, moving in front of me and talking. We talked till the early hours of my morning and I hadn't even realised how fast the time went by. I only knew how tired I had become.
I had forgotten how much he knew about me. There were moments where I was just thinking, "Why on earth did I tell you this argghhh!!" and he laughed. I'm happy our humor hasn't changed and we still laugh so much.
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Today was quite nice actually. The day was beautiful and the weather was almost my idea of perfect. Class was good as we got to see and hear people's ideas. So interesting to see how many overlapped. I liked talking to the others and getting feedback.
I like having people's writing in my book. I don't know why but it feels special. It makes me smile.
I picked up something new from the casting people today. I had forgotten how excited I get about picking things up. I love opening the little packet and seeing my creation for the first time in metal. Feels so so good! I think it's special making one off pieces. I like knowing that no one else in the world has it. I am really happy with it and am going to finish it off at intern tomorrow.
I was talking to Vic a couple weeks back about how it was interesting that my little animals will probably out live me. They will exist when I've cease to exist. I think it's kind a cool idea.
I went to the state library after class. Sandra (first year I helped with CAD) was texting me about her thoughts on uni. It was nice, I think we'll meet up after uni stress times are over to play guitar. I quite like the State Library actually. I totally wanted to write "there are so many books!!!" but that is quite obvious. But I was excited to .. see.. so.. many books .. .. .. They were all very pretty. I think I will go there more from now on!
Speaking of music, I have been missing my piano terribly lately. The music on my current playlist has a lot of piano and my hands ache for it.
I feel so lost sometimes (not so much right now) & the world I want to live in is completely separate from the one we are "in". I don't care much for a lot of things people talk about anymore. I feel like a lot of it isn't important. There seems to be no truth in their words. But sometimes someone talks about something that seems really real and that's what I like to remember and take in. I don't want to take in excess that people seem to radiate. Maybe that's why I don't really like the city. There are too many voices and too much disturbance in the air.
dream time
I've been dreaming so much lately.
Sometimes I don't want to wake up because I am so comfortable asleep.
& there is no worry, no doubt.
everything is still.
p.s
keep moving forward
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